Well, I’ve made the leap.
These last several weeks I’ve been condensing my personal items to fit into two just backpacks – one for clothes, shoes, and such and the other for all of my remote work gear. Not that this comes as a surprise to anyone that knows me, but I also don’t know where I’m going to be living beyond the next couple of weeks.
For the last year I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the luxuries of having more of a “home,” despite it being several different places. Housesitting for several months in College Station, Texas, leasing my own place for 6 months in the same town in Texas, to enjoying the warmth and luxury of Orange County, California. I’ve had the joy of buying decor, cooking regularly, having friends and family visit and have a guest room for them to stay, and overall re-centering myself and reflecting on the last several years of my life.
It’s been a deeply healing time for my relationship with myself as well as my relationship with the wonderful man in my life. I’ve found a stability that I’ve struggled to find since 2017 when my life turned utterly upside down.
But what’s next?
Well, before we get into this, I just want to note a few things that I’ve checked off my list at last.
1. Working at a top-notch marketing agency.
Probably the biggest one has been working at a marketing agency – ever since getting into marketing I dreamed of working with an established agency and huge clients, and boy did I get just that. I had the privilege to worked on some major accounts such as Sony, TikTok, Aeropostale, Nasdaq, Business Insider, Noom, and plenty of others – ironed out some skills that I desperately I felt I needed to succeed, and met some of the loveliest people that I hope to remain friends with for a long time.
In achieving this, I also found that the day-in-day-out monotony of hyper-analytical, non-creative work is NOT for me. Can I do it? Sure I can, and I desperately wanted to prove this to myself as they’re far from my natural aptitudes. Do I want to continue to do so?
Absolutely not. At least not in this way, anyways.
Glad I’ve gotten this out of the way, but I’m ultimately on the same path I always have been in recognizing that I’m not one that thrives in corporate life. This also brings me to my second item in this list.
2. I let go of the idea that a career is all I’m fit for.
This is something I could go into a lot of depth about, and probably will in future; however, for most of my life I’ve heard nothing but, “you’re only worth what you accomplish,” “the highest points you can reach in life come when you have a lot of money,” and “you’re unambitious if you want to be a nomad, creative, or a mother.”
But reconnecting with myself and a much deeper feminine essence that I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life feeling ashamed for, have simply turned these thoughts on their head. The experience of being deeply rooted into who I am, what I desire from life, and what I know I’m on this earth for speak so much more loudly than any fears of not fitting in or “succeeding” in a superficial world ever will.
I’m extremely grateful for this. It’s never been easy being someone who feels fundamentally at odds with the world (who doesn’t feel this way??) and in many ways possessing “anti-survival” tendencies that far from pragmatic (empathetic, creative, sensitive, and idealistic mostly), living without experiencing these sides of myself is a far greater burden to carry.
In summary, I don’t view my worth as tied to how much money I make, how prestigious a job title I have, or if I own the newest Tesla, TV, iPhone, etc.
My personal contribution to the world with the affinities I have, the quality of my relationships, and my own inner balance bring far more to my life than any of those things ever will. I’ve come to see most of our modern society as something of a scam that I don’t want to “fit in” with.
3. I’ve healed a tremendous amount of past pain.
I won’t elaborate on this one too much now, but I’ve felt like I was drowning for a long time. Most of my life, actually. And when you’re in a perpetual state of survival (these past pains didn’t really guide me in beneficial directions either), introspection and healing your mind and body just don’t really happen. This has been a tremendously-needed period of rest that’s allowed me to really gain my footing again.
I’m also experiencing fewer health issues such as food sensitivities, less anxiety, fewer panic and anxiety attacks (C-PTSD is REAL), depression, and more that I have since I was perhaps 8 or 9 years old. Words can’t convey the difference in my life now versus only a year ago.
This in particular is a journey that I don’t expect to end anytime soon, but not living every day in a traumatic, haunting past is an indescribable weight to be freed from.
And now, on to what is next.
3. Goals for 2023.
Well, I don’t know for sure how my future will shape up, but I know I’m aiming for a few things, some new, some of them that have been in progress for years.
So that’s about where life is these days! When I had in mind to leave my agency job to try freelance again, learn Norwegian to attend university in the future, and pack up our belongings as our lease was ending, I saw a crystal clear glimpse of the life I’ve been seeking this whole time.
And I’m going for it. I hope to see you along the way!
All the best,